On Mother’s Day, May 8th, at 5:55 PM Gideon was born. They say that every pregnancy is different, and Gideon proved that was true, but before we jump into that, a little detail on the name. Gideon is a fairly famous individual from the book of Judges. Most can recall at least some parts of his story. There is a lot of sentimental value in his name for Emily. Emily’s grandfather was part of the Gideons, an organization that among other things is responsible for all of those New Testament Bibles you see in hotels. I never met Emily’s grandfather. He passed away before we met. However, I heard many of the stories and knew he was a man worth honoring. Gideon’s Middle name is Robert, the name of the same grandfather.
All of Emily’s pregnancies have gone past their due date. We’ve never had an “on time” birth. Gideon is the first to actually arrive on his expected due date. That was far from the only way this pregnancy was different though. Emily went into early stages of labor on Friday at four in the morning. She asked me to work from home that day since we thought the time could be close.
Early Friday evening her water broke and we thought, “This is it. We are having this baby quick.” We thought that way based on experience. Emily’s labor for Cai and Haddie went into overdrive shortly after her water broke. Friday night went and nothing happened. Perhaps Saturday would be the day then. The midwife would check in on Emily to see how everything was going, but ultimately things just kept moving slowly. By Sunday morning things had clearly started to shift. We thought we were close. We called the midwife and birthing team to come on out because this was it. After some time we realized we were still a ways off. The midwife gave Emily some different herbs to try and help encourage her body to kick things into high gear. It was important to get this labor moving because we were getting further away from when her water broke.
Eventually, it was time. We both clearly recognized that things were getting close. The birthing team returned, and we all agreed this was going to happen soon. I kept thinking we were going to meet our new kid any minute. After so much waiting this was finally happening. Emily will probably share more of the details she remembers at some point during the labor process, but the one thing I do remember is it seemed everything was harder this time. More painful, more work, more time. It was all just harder. It was as if all of the crazy hardship we went through as a world over the last two years was carrying over into this day. Life has been hard for all of us. Nothing has seemed to come easy even the mundane things we once knew how to do so naturally.
By the end, I was holding Emily so she could hold on to me as she quite literally willed our child to be born. Then suddenly he was there. Adrenaline is a funny thing. It can give us the ability to perform incredible feats of strength. It gives us the chance to act on pure instincts with neatly lightning reflexes. It also can put our brains into overdrive. What I’m about to explain next (And then I promise I will get into the Bible stuff I typically do in these posts) all happened in a very short time span.
First were the tears. I always cry at the birth of my kids. I’m a crier. I don’t deny it. Here was this beautiful little baby who had come into the world. Emily quickly reached out to hold him as we all were talking with glee in those first brief moments. “What is it,” they all asked. I looked and tearfully replied, “it’s a boy” still just fully caught up in the moment. “Hi Gideon,” I said. The very next moment as I looked back from the baby to our birthing team a few other thoughts instantaneously started running through my mind.
First, I hadn’t heard my son make any sounds outside of the briefest noise when he first came out. Second, his face was rapidly turning a color that I did not remember any of my other children having. Third, I wasn’t seeing my son move/respond to us the way our other kids did at this point.
Our midwife began explaining we had to get him stimulated. I remember trying to determine in that moment how normal this all was. How concerned should I be? It became clear that Gideon was having trouble breathing. For a moment we would see some slight movement or a flash opening of the eyes which would elate us only to then realize we were still needing to get our son to take a breath.
Before I move on, let me say right now that our birthing team was fantastic and we owe them a great debt of gratitude. Gideon simply came out with some extra gunk in his nose that had to be dealt with, and they realized and dealt with the problem quickly and amazingly well.
I want to tell you I didn’t panic for a moment, but the truth is, I was terrified. I was helpless in this situation as the midwife began acting quickly to help our son. It felt like an eternity. In truth, it was a very short timeframe, but enough was happening to know this was serious. I prayed. I prayed in my groaning knowing the words I was saying in my head, but unable to speak them out loud. Please protect him. Please keep him safe. Please don’t let us lose our son.
At that moment I felt a wave wash over me. Words clearly not from me saying “Peace. Be still. Don’t be afraid. He’s going to be ok.” And then, for the very first time. I heard my son cry.
When we meet Gideon in Scripture, we find a man who is terrified by what has happened in the world around him. He is called a mighty warrior, but he did not look it in the moment. Gideon gets a bad reputation sometimes. He is often seen as a coward, but the truth is, everyone was afraid. It was a scary time to be in Israel. Their enemies were harassing them. They were a broken people in need of rescue. When Gideon is graced by the presence of the angel of the lord, he is skeptical. Israel as a nation is skeptical. They cried out to God for rescue, and up to this point, the response was a prophet of the Lord telling them that they only have themselves to blame for the mess they are in. They goofed it up and now they are living with the consequence. Gideon argues with this angel from the beginning. “If God is with us, then why is everything such a mess?” Then he doubts God’s judgment to pick Gideon for a special task as a mighty warrior.
Eventually, Gideon realizes this angel is the real deal and his response is fear. He had enough understanding that no man is supposed to be able to see the Lord and live. We often focus so much on God’s amazing love that we can forget that our communion with him is only available to us out of His grace and mercy. Gideon understood that he was unworthy to be in the presence of this angel of the Lord. Then he hears words that will change everything. “Peace be to you. Do not fear; you shall not die.”
Gideon built an altar there and called it “The Lord is Peace.” It’s an interesting title. The Lord is peace. The circumstances surrounding Gideon had not changed. Israel was still oppressed. Gideon still didn’t know exactly how God was going to come through on his promise. And we know from this point that Gideon was still deeply afraid.
That’s the funny thing about peace. Peace is not the absence of fear. It is not the absence of hardship or difficult circumstances. Peace is something you receive, not something that’s taken away. It’s something that strengthens you through hardship. It helps you build trust in God while you are in the midst of the storm.
Here’s the thing, even now I still deal with the fear. Even thinking back to two nights ago as I write this I feel some of those fears all over again. I was terrified to go to sleep that night and only did because my body physically was incapable of not passing out after a while. This has actually been the hardest of the children’s birthing posts to write because in many ways it is at the core of what God has been working on in my heart for the last two years.
God speaks peace over us when everything around us tells us peace should be an illusion. But true peace is not found in the calmness of our surroundings. It is found in the deep relationship we have with our creator because of the incredible grace that He extends to us. My peace is in Him, and that peace extends out to my surroundings. It’s what allows me to live through the difficulties.
We’ve all had some hard years lately. Every other child we have had has come in the midst of some unique season of transition for us. Gideon is the first one that has arrived when we are well established where we are and love doing what we are doing. And yet, life for all of us lately has been hard. The world has been a little uglier. The rage has been louder. The divisions have been stronger. The evil has been more egregious. The world has just gotten harder. Yet I now am reminded of the words God spoke to me two nights ago and reminded me again in preparation for this post as I read Gideon’s story. Peace to you. Don’t be afraid. It’s going to be ok. I’m with you.
God has a way of meeting me where I am at and is always using my children to reinforce what He has been teaching me. The chaos will always be there in this world, but peace can be found as well.
Gideon, you’re entering into this world during uncertain times. Things are crazy out here, but the only thing that matters is the grace and mercy from God. People will tell you that God can’t be trusted because the world is such a mess but know that it is his strength that allows us to get through the ugliness we see in this world. You are named in remembrance of some amazing legacies, but I also know you can make a legacy of your own. I’ve struggled to know what to write in this post to measure up to the amazing work I know you will be capable of. (Maybe that’s why your dad is being to long-winded with this post.) So, I will end with a little prayer. I pray that as you walk through life, the Lord will be your constant. I pray that when He speaks peace over you that you will be able to hear it well and take hold of it. It’s ok to be afraid. Peace is not the absence of fear. Peace is the strength to follow and trust God through the fear. That’s what will make you a mighty warrior.
Utterly Dependent 