When I began thinking about this series I thought for weeks about what I would want to say. By the time I sat down to write the first post, I ended up following through and wrote them all in an hour. It had been on my mind that much from the years of conversations I have had with fellow believers navigating the world of church hurt.
This is the fourth and final post I wrote that day. I may come back and write more if I feel there is more to say, or if people come up with questions they would like answers to. For now, this is it.
What do we do if it’s time to leave?
Tell me if this sounds familiar to you. “I’m still struggling with engaging in worship here. My pain just keeps blocking me from fully engaging. I want to leave, but what will people think if I do? Are people going to assume I just wasn’t cooperative enough? Will people think there was something darker behind the curtain? What about all of the friends I still have here? What about the connections my family has here? I feel so selfish for wanting to leave and take my family away from here. Maybe I just need to get over it. Where would I even go to start over? What if leaving makes others feel justified in their actions? I don’t want to cause division.”
Maybe you’ve said some of these things to yourself in the past after going through some form of church hurt. If so, you’re not alone. This struggle is very real and very natural. I want this post to be as practical as possible so I’m just going to provide a few factors to consider when evaluating this decision. But first, a couple of disclaimers.
First, not every situation may require you leaving. Restoration in many circumstances can be possible. There may be instances where leaving is necessary, but often these decisions can feel a bit subjective.
Second, the goal of this series is to work on disentangling not deconstructing. When talking about the idea of leaving your Church community, the hope is to find a church community that is equipped to meet you where you are at and provide healing. You should not walk down this road without a church community. Going solo shouldn’t be an option. You need people who have walked this road and kept their faith strong to help you untangle this mess.
Third, if your hurt is related to experiencing physical or sexual abuse from someone in your church, then this is on an entirely different level. You can and should leave a church that has instigated and/or covered up your abuse. While some may stay if the abuse is brought to light and there are massive changes made within the leadership structure and transparency of the church, even then, you should always choose to be where you will feel safe and protected.
Now then, here are a few thoughts to consider when deciding if it is time to move on from where you have experienced church hurt.
1. How leadership has responded matters. Have you shared your hurt with leadership? If not, you should. This is a vital process (Disclaimer: if this is in regards to abuse, never feel like it is your responsibility to confront your abuser. Please go directly to the authorities and have solid confidants who can help you through this process.) If you have shared your hurt, how did they respond? Are they receptive and desiring to address the issue and change? This is a good indication that it might be worth pursuing restoration. If they find themselves either uncaring or more defensive and perhaps even turning the tables and blaming you, it is a good indication that the leadership may not have the maturity to handle your hurt well. You do need healing, but that healing may need to be found with a new church family. Remember, words backed up without action are simply empty promises. Empty promises bankrupt trust. If you are trying to determine the genuineness of a change from those who hurt you, evaluate based on what they are doing not on what they say they will do.
2. Have you talked through it with your family? Don’t live in your questioning alone. Be open with your spouse, but don’t drag your children into it unless they are age appropriate and are victims of the hurt as well, and even then do so with extreme caution. Don’t make them carry your burden. They may not get to fully understand why you’re family is moving in, and that’s ok. Help them see the positives of going to a new church family. Get them invested. Bring your concerns out into the open. Don’t dwell in your fears of the what ifs.
3. Can you work it out there healthily? It is possible the pain may genuinely just be too raw and ugly for you to effectively grow and worship there. Whether that level of pain is justified might be another matter, but you may need to figure that out somewhere else. If it is consistently hindering your ability to worship and engage in God’s word there, then a change may be necessary for you and everyone else.
4. If you leave, leave well. Sometimes you may want to burn it all down on your way out the door. Don’t. Your pain may be real. Your pain may be justified. In fact, from the hurt I have seen others go through it more often than not is justified. You may have been truly and deeply wronged. The problem is you will always feel that way in the midst of hurt whether it’s true or not. This is especially true if that hurt comes from those that are supposed to be your primary example and your shepherds. You don’t need to add regret onto your hurt.
5. If you leave, don’t delay in finding a community. I would recommend having a clear new church community to engage with before you officially leave. It will be tempting perhaps to just not go anywhere, but there is a truth I have found to be vital in our Chrisitian walk. You may not be able to receive healing from church hurt in the church you received it, but the healing can only happen in Christian community.
6. Hope and pray for the best. Pray for the church to thrive. If you have experienced some hurt at a church you have likely seen some concerning things there that may be very real issues to deal with before they become a hindrance to that community. That is something God will deal with in His way. We should still pray that it can become a vibrant, healthy community. Pray for your next steps. Pray for wisdom.
7. Remember that every church has its problems. The perfect church does not exist because it is filled with broken people who have free will. They will sometimes do really stupid things. That includes you. You will sometimes do really stupid things. This does not mean moving on from where you experienced a deep hurt should never be an option. It does mean that you should not be moving on because you think you found the perfect church. The goal should be to get involved somewhere that will help you in your spiritual growth and healing.
Leaving a church community can be hard. At times it magnifies the pain you are already experiencing because rarely will you be able to fully explain why you are leaving in order to do it well. I find that God is good to those who are in those moments though. He Deres close to the hurting. He has a way of leading them to a place where they can get the healing they need if they are willing to lean into community.
Maybe there is one specific point I have given that resonates with your journey. Likely there are multiple points that are applicable because this sort of thing tends to be messy. But sometimes you need to take a step away in order to find a community that can help you disentangle well.
If you are at a point of leaving where you are because of hurt, know that removing yourself from an unhealthy environment can be necessary. We must also remember Jesus calls for us to follow Him in community. We may feel a bit shy to start over. It is exhausting to start over, but start over we must because it is not good for man to be alone. You will find joy in church community again.