Church Hurt: When is it Time to Leave?

When I began thinking about this series I thought for weeks about what I would want to say. By the time I sat down to write the first post, I ended up following through and wrote them all in an hour. It had been on my mind that much from the years of conversations I have had with fellow believers navigating the world of church hurt. 

This is the fourth and final post I wrote that day. I may come back and write more if I feel there is more to say, or if people come up with questions they would like answers to. For now, this is it.

What do we do if it’s time to leave?

Tell me if this sounds familiar to you. “I’m still struggling with engaging in worship here. My pain just keeps blocking me from fully engaging. I want to leave, but what will people think if I do? Are people going to assume I just wasn’t cooperative enough? Will people think there was something darker behind the curtain? What about all of the friends I still have here? What about the connections my family has here? I feel so selfish for wanting to leave and take my family away from here. Maybe I just need to get over it. Where would I even go to start over? What if leaving makes others feel justified in their actions? I don’t want to cause division.”

Maybe you’ve said some of these things to yourself in the past after going through some form of church hurt. If so, you’re not alone. This struggle is very real and very natural. I want this post to be as practical as possible so I’m just going to provide a few factors to consider when evaluating this decision. But first, a couple of disclaimers.

First, not every situation may require you leaving. Restoration in many circumstances can be possible. There may be instances where leaving is necessary, but often these decisions can feel a bit subjective.

Second, the goal of this series is to work on disentangling not deconstructing. When talking about the idea of leaving your Church community, the hope is to find a church community that is equipped to meet you where you are at and provide healing. You should not walk down this road without a church community. Going solo shouldn’t be an option. You need people who have walked this road and kept their faith strong to help you untangle this mess.

Third, if your hurt is related to experiencing physical or sexual abuse from someone in your church, then this is on an entirely different level. You can and should leave a church that has instigated and/or covered up your abuse. While some may stay if the abuse is brought to light and there are massive changes made within the leadership structure and transparency of the church, even then, you should always choose to be where you will feel safe and protected.

Now then, here are a few thoughts to consider when deciding if it is time to move on from where you have experienced church hurt.

1. How leadership has responded matters. Have you shared your hurt with leadership? If not, you should. This is a vital process (Disclaimer: if this is in regards to abuse, never feel like it is your responsibility to confront your abuser. Please go directly to the authorities and have solid confidants who can help you through this process.) If you have shared your hurt, how did they respond? Are they receptive and desiring to address the issue and change? This is a good indication that it might be worth pursuing restoration. If they find themselves either uncaring or more defensive and perhaps even turning the tables and blaming you, it is a good indication that the leadership may not have the maturity to handle your hurt well. You do need healing, but that healing may need to be found with a new church family. Remember, words backed up without action are simply empty promises. Empty promises bankrupt trust. If you are trying to determine the genuineness of a change from those who hurt you, evaluate based on what they are doing not on what they say they will do.

2. Have you talked through it with your family? Don’t live in your questioning alone. Be open with your spouse, but don’t drag your children into it unless they are age appropriate and are victims of the hurt as well, and even then do so with extreme caution. Don’t make them carry your burden. They may not get to fully understand why you’re family is moving in, and that’s ok. Help them see the positives of going to a new church family. Get them invested. Bring your concerns  out into the open. Don’t dwell in your fears of the what ifs.

3. Can you work it out there healthily? It is possible the pain may genuinely just be too raw and ugly for you to effectively grow and worship there. Whether that level of pain is justified might be another matter, but you may need to figure that out somewhere else. If it is consistently hindering your ability to worship and engage in God’s word there, then a change may be necessary for you and everyone else. 

4. If you leave, leave well. Sometimes you may want to burn it all down on your way out the door. Don’t. Your pain may be real. Your pain may be justified. In fact, from the hurt I have seen others go through it more often than not is justified. You may have been truly and deeply wronged. The problem is you will always feel that way in the midst of hurt whether it’s true or not. This is especially true if that hurt comes from those that are supposed to be your primary example and your shepherds. You don’t need to add regret onto your hurt.

5. If you leave, don’t delay in finding a community. I would recommend having a clear new church community to engage with before you officially leave. It will be tempting perhaps to just not go anywhere, but there is a truth I have found to be vital in our Chrisitian walk. You may not be able to receive healing from church hurt in the church you received it, but the healing can only happen in Christian community.

6. Hope and pray for the best. Pray for the church to thrive. If you have experienced some hurt at a church you have likely seen some concerning things there that may be very real issues to deal with before they become a hindrance to that community. That is something God will deal with in His way. We should still pray that it can become a vibrant, healthy community. Pray for your next steps. Pray for wisdom. 

7. Remember that every church has its problems. The perfect church does not exist because it is filled with broken people who have free will. They will sometimes do really stupid things. That includes you. You will sometimes do really stupid things. This does not mean moving on from where you experienced a deep hurt should never be an option. It does mean that you should not be moving on because you think you found the perfect church. The goal should be to get involved somewhere that will help you in your spiritual growth and healing.

Leaving a church community can be hard. At times it magnifies the pain you are already experiencing because rarely will you be able to fully explain why you are leaving in order to do it well. I find that God is good to those who are in those moments though. He Deres close to the hurting. He has a way of leading them to a place where they can get the healing they need if they are willing to lean into community. 

Maybe there is one specific point I have given that resonates with your journey. Likely there are multiple points that are applicable because this sort of thing tends to be messy. But sometimes you need to take a step away in order to find a community that can help you disentangle well. 

If you are at a point of leaving where you are because of hurt, know that removing yourself from an unhealthy environment can be necessary. We must also remember Jesus calls for us to follow Him in community. We may feel a bit shy to start over. It is exhausting to start over, but start over we must because it is not good for man to be alone. You will find joy in church community again. 

Church Hurt: How Do I Forgive?

I wasn’t expecting this series to get as much attention as it has, but I believe it speaks more to the common experience of church hurt. Grow up in the church long enough and odds are high that you will have a church hurt story. 

So before I begin a couple of disclaimers/reminders. 

This is part 3 of the series. I recommend reading the first two as they are designed to be together. My desire is for any who read these to not lose hope in Christian community. I love the Church because it is Christ’s church. 

I’m not an expert at any of this. I’m just simply learning as I go. Some of my thoughts in this series may seem overly simplistic, but they are things I have learned and keep learning over time. 

Finally, as I said in my first post. The goal here is to help others disentangle the man made messes from our God given faith. I believe today’s topic is a crucial difference between deconstruction and disentanglement. 

Now, let’s get started. 

Many years ago I found myself going over to the prayer team at a church team at a church I attended at the time to ask for prayer. “I realized I’ve been holding a lot of bitterness towards others from some past church hurt before joining here. I really need someone to pray with me about it.” Jamie looked me in the eyes and said, “I can’t wait to pray with you about this, but first you need to pray and confess your part in sinning through your bitterness.” It was a bold move. Many would hear something like this and stare in horror. Why would he call on a victim to confess their sin? Some of you may be thinking that just reading this. I’ve got some news for you. Jamie was right.

Jamie was in a unique position back then to speak a truth to me that I needed to hear. For starters, he was completely removed from the situation and church that had caused me pain. If those involved had told me what Jamie said, then I sadly would have probably had some very choice words in response. Jamie was an objective third party. He didn’t ignore my pain. He recognized it and validated it, but he also understood that a flesh fueled response to that pain was going to destroy me.

To this day I thank God for Jamie.

What does forgiveness look like when we are deeply hurt by your church family? The details of it may look different in every situation. For some it may look like an eventual complete restoration to fellowship where both parties acknowledge their faults in the situation and maintain great relationship. For others it might look a little more complicated.

You see, when people hear the word “forgiveness” in this context they assume that it must always mean that we move on from our hurt and keep living in the community like nothing ever happened, but that’s often not how it looks. Restored relationship should be a desired outflow of forgiveness, but that doesn’t always come to fruition this side of heaven. After all, there are multiple people involved. 

I will talk more about the ongoing relationship piece to this in another post, but it does need to be briefly mentioned here since it is so deeply tied to forgiveness. I do not believe it is required to remain in that community in order to live out forgiveness. In fact, sometimes it might be a hindrance to do so. Restored relationship requires forgiveness as a starting point, but if you do not get back that relationship it does not necessarily mean you did not forgive.

Can I just say honestly here that I am very much a work in progress on this topic? Some wounds are deep and forgiveness is…Well it’s difficult for me. That surprises people sometimes. An unforgiving person is often viewed as an angry person, and it would be fair to say that outwardly I’m not really an angry person. Inwardly can be a struggle however. Struggling with internal thoughts, well wishes over ill wishes, anger, bitterness, etc. All of it can be a battle raging within the mind. So I share these next few thoughts as someone who recognizes they are a deep work in progress in this area. Because of that, I’m just going to bullet point this one out on my basic thoughts.

1. You might need to forgive daily. Seriously. You might need to wake up each day and restart the day with forgiveness. If this sounds exhausting, it’s because it kind of is. It is still far better than the alternative.

2. Forgiveness requires acknowledging the full extent of the hurt. My counselor recently confronted me on this nasty habit I have. I tend to try and justify someone’s behavior when I am explaining something they did to me that was hurtful. “I’m sure they didn’t intend to do this,” or “I’m probably just misunderstanding what they meant.” Things like that. When my counselor confronted me on this I admitted it was a problem, but I didn’t know why I did it. Then he dropped this bombshell on me, “Is it possible you do this to avoid feeling the full impact of the hurt? By trying to make it sound not so bad you don’t need to deal with the emotion of the pain you are experiencing in what they did to you.” It hit me like a tsunami. I forced myself to stop justifying the actions, and when I did IT. HURT. But it also was something I learned was necessary to put me on a path towards forgiveness. You don’t forgive someone for something that didn’t hurt. To experience forgiveness you first need to experience the pain of the wrongdoing.

3. We forgive because God forgives. We are merely instruments of expressing his forgiveness. That responsibility can be a pain sometimes, but it also is a distinct mark of being a disciple of Christ.

4. Forgiveness isn’t something earned. By nature forgiveness is something given out of mercy and grace. If we are waiting for someone to earn our forgiveness, we will be waiting forever.

5. Forgiveness does not mean we erase the consequences. Sadly, some have experienced truly wicked church hurt in the form of criminal acts. In many of those stories the victim has been told to forgive which means keeping their mouth shut and do not report the abuse. I am deeply sorry if that is your story. Forgiveness does not mean there are no consequences to the offender, it does not mean we remain silent in every circumstance. It does mean we will no longer let their actions rule our emotions or thoughts. It means we take control of our response and choose to let go of our own hate and bitterness for their sake and our own.

6. Forgiveness is a choice. We often hear this as it relates to love. Love is a choice, not an emotion. Forgiveness is the same way. We choose to forgive. We choose to not be driven by our anger and bitterness and instead choose to work through letting those emotions go and forgive the person.

7. The easiest way to forgive is to work it out through prayer and worship. This is actually scientifically proven. When we pray and worship out loud it builds the part of our brain responsible for memory and linked with how we forgive others.

Now is this exhaustive? No. You might even be thinking, “Is this all you’ve got?” At the moment, yes. But I go back to what I said in an earlier post, when dealing with church hurt, the only one we can control is us. We are in control of our response. We are in control of what we do with the hurt. Let’s use it to our best advantage. We all need a Jamie to validate our hurt and call us out on our responsibility in our response.

Church Hurt: Why Did God Let it Happen?

*This is part 2 of Church Hurt series.*

“It just feels like they all let me down. What’s even the point in going to church anymore? Why does this happen so often?” A fellow believer shared this with me once after yet another sex scandal came out from a respected Christian leader. Their feelings were understandable. They had once been under the leadership of a pastor who had been surrounded in scandal, and faced no real consequences for it. All of the big celebrity status Christian writers they enjoyed seemed to be getting caught up in scandal after scandal. Add COVID into the mix of it, and they were wondering why they really needed to even bother with this whole church thing anyway,

The question is understandable. It also was rooted in a hurt they experienced from a leader they trusted. After being lied to so many times by this leader, every scandal they saw take place in Christianity was a painful reminder of that wound. It was easier to just ditch the whole church altogether rather than risk keeping that wound open. I get it. Church hurt is traumatic.

The deeper question being asked in that conversation is why? Why do leaders do this in the church? Why do they behave so differently from the way they are supposed to? Why does God let this happen in His church? 

That’s the root faith question in church hurt. If Jesus is the head of the church, then why does He let me get hurt so much by His church? Before you know it the question turns into, why does He use the Church to hurt me so much? All of the sudden the hurt of people morphs into a crusade from God to punish us for something we can’t seem to understand. We move ourselves away from God and His people because it feels no safer than this scary world we are trying to survive in. It’s easy to see why this question needs to be addressed quickly before it spirals out of control.

That spiraling doesn’t even take that much effort. A few months ago, my wife and I were talking to one of my old professors and his wife. We were sharing some things we were navigating through. At one point I made the comment, “I realize that God is doing all of this for a reason, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that in the middle of all of it.” My old professor quickly reminded me, “No, Fletcher. Sometimes God allows things to happen. You need to recognize the difference.”

I needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded of the difference. It wouldn’t take much to wonder why God would do this, and then just flat out being mad at Him for doing it. The path to anger and bitterness is a lot quicker when the question is, “Why did God do this?”

The more accurate question is still not easy. Why does God let us experience hurt from fellow believers? Here is the not fun answer. Because He does. God chose to allow us to have free will, and that means we are going to screw it up. Add in the fact that there is an enemy that can twist our good intentions towards disastrous results, and we see that sometimes living in Christian community is ugly.

It’s why our faith cannot be based on people. People will let us down. We can so often mistake the moments where people can point others to Christ that we mistakenly believe that others are responsible for our own faith, but that’s not the case. We all have an individual responsibility regarding our relationship with our creator. When Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, God confronted them on why they did what they did. “Well God, when you think about it, it’s really not my fault,” says Adam. “You’re the one who made this woman, and she was the one that talked me into it. I’m just the innocent victim here.” So God turns to the woman. “Hold up,” she says, “If anyone is the victim here it’s me. The creepy talking snake made me do it.” Yet God gave consequences for both Adam and Eve. They were still responsible for their individual relationship with their creator despite the fact that there were a lot of messy characters involved.

Here is what I have learned in regards to control and church hurt. I’m only in control of me. I’m only in control of my own responses. I’m only in control of my own decisions. The truth is I don’t always understand why God lets things happen. I don’t always understand why He allows people, sometimes even leaders in His family, to hurt others. I also recognize that for some, the hurt you may have experienced is so deeply ugly and can only be described as evil that this answer may seem practically offensive. I would understand why you feel that way. It also is the best answer I have to give.

I do however have a couple of things to add that may be of comfort.

First, we are not required to remain with those who hurt us. I will write more about this very topic in another post, but it is important to briefly address this here. If you have been a victim of what can only be described as true wickedness, attacked by a wolf in sheep’s clothing, then you have every right and even necessity to remove yourself from that environment. Your disentangling will be on an entirely different level that may require therapy and years of processing, but it would be my hope that you could once again know healthy fellowship in another church family again.

Secondly, God’s work is never hijacked by man’s free will. I speak this one hesitantly and admit it may be more of a comfort for those whose hurt is very real and deep but not as life altering. Joseph said to his brothers, “What you intended for evil, God intended for good.” That’s a wild statement. After the plots of murder, being sold into slavery, the lies, the betrayal, and the complete destruction of the life Joseph knew, he still says that God intended it for good.

You may balk at this, and I can understand why. Sadly some of those who hurt us are the ones who use this very story to try and lessen the blow. Many of us have experienced the hurt of a brother or sister in Christ who with the same breath tells us they are confident that God is going to use this to have an amazing impact in our lives. It cheapens the powerful statement. In fact, that statement only works because Joseph is the one saying it with hindsight in view. If Reuben had said, “Boy, Joseph, we had these evil intentions, but God clearly intended it all for good so you can just forget all about it now, right?” That wouldn’t go over well. Even less so if he said it while pushing him down into the well. Maybe you are sour to this passage because that’s been your experience. Maybe you’ve been hearing this quote from a Rueben instead of a fellow Joseph. So let me say as someone who has had my Joseph moments (and Rueben ones as well), your hurt is real, but God can make it beautiful. 

This does not mean we need to pretend the hurt didn’t happen. In fact, this quote requires us to recognize the ugliness of man for what it is in order to see the beauty of what God is up to. Joseph’s life was a mess by what others did, but he didn’t let that hijack his relationship with God. He kept his faith, and he started taking risks again. He started dreaming again.

It’s impossible for me to be exhaustive in these posts, and I admit I haven’t actually fully answered the question because this kind of mess doesn’t have a simple fix to it. It’s a process. However, let me leave you with this until next time. God sees you in your hurt. He is with you in it. No matter how much His people hurt you, no matter the intent behind it, it hurts Him all the more. He didn’t make it happen, but He is the only one who can do something about it.

He doesn’t want you to live in the hurt. He wants you to remember there is still sky above that well. God wants you to take risks and be in community again. He wants you to dream again.

Church Hurt: Why Should We Talk About It?

Blows off dust

Okay. It’s been awhile. After a long time I’m dusting off the old blog to share a series of posts I’ve been writing on a topic that has been on my mind for some time. Maybe I’ll do more after these. Maybe I won’t. I’m not putting any specific timelines or expectations on myself, but this topic will take a little time to explore to the extent I want to.

What is the topic? To put it simply, Church Hurt.

You could say this initial post is my justification for why this is a topic worth talking about. To begin I would like to share two stories with you.

There was once a woman I was assisting that required me to share a little bit of my background. IN doing so she asked if I was a believer. I told her I was. The context of this conversation doesn’t matter to the greater point to be made. All that is important to know is this was a situation that required the woman to be vulnerable and transparent in seeking the help she needed. After informing her I was a believer she began to cry and thank God. “You need to understand,” she explained, “It’s so hard to find people you can trust. Knowing you are a believer gives me peace of mind.”

I share this first story to point out that I realize the pain that comes with church hurt is largely because it flies in the face of what should be. Believers are surrounded by dangers in this world. The church should be one place of safety for them. When it becomes another danger zone it has a truly disastrous effect. It is not just simply experiencing pain once again from others. It is also a loss of sanctuary. It is a necessity of the life of the believer that is operating out of dysfunction. What happens when we go to our church community with transparency and vulnerability only to be met with pain? Where does the believer go then? The pain is very real.

This leads me into my second story. A number of years ago I was speaking with a friend about both of our past experiences with hurt in churches. I no longer recall the specifics of what I said, but I shared a general point that there was nothing particularly special about me going back into the church. My friend pushed back on me saying that it takes something unique to keep on remaining involved in the local church after experiencing pain. That I was somehow remarkable for doing so when so many of our friends didn’t.. I understand what he was trying to say. After all so much of our generation went down the road of deconstruction following church hurt.

I still stand by my point with my friend though. There was nothing remarkable about my decision to remain involved in a local church following past hurt. To say I was remarkable implies it is something others are not capable of doing, and I refuse to believe in that bleak concept. Yet I fully admit there is a clear connection in many cases between church hurt and abandonment of the church, and more importantly, the faith entirely.

Within these posts you will likely hear about deconstruction at times as well because these two issues are closely married with one another. There will be those who will speak boldly about the evils of deconstruction. I want to be clear, I believe there are a lot of dangers in deconstruction and the big names who promote it do not seem to have the best interests of others at heart. However, there is a very real issue of true deep church hurt to deal with.

A few months ago I listened to an interview with Jinger Dugger. In the interview she talked about her own journey and how while deconstructionism was not a path she wished to go down, she did see the need to disentangle the man made mess intertwined in her God centered faith.

This is important. Some are so afraid (understandably so) of the whole deconstruction movement that they discourage people from asking some hard questions. This leaves everything in a tangled mess, and church hurt is so often at the very center of it.

The type of church hurt I’ll be talking about isn’t the basic, “The pastor didn’t listen to every suggestion I gave him and now I’m upset and feel the need to move to the church down the road.” I’m talking about the truly painful stuff. The stuff where people who are charged to shepherd not only let you down, but perhaps cause some very real harm. Where the body of Christ was supposed to come in and provide support and safety to heal, but perhaps only seemed capable of leaning into the rebuke and condemnation. It’s the messy stuff, and in it there is a lot to untangle.

The truth is I think we all go through disentangling in our faith at times. We all face the ugly process that we serve a perfect God who calls us to live in community with very imperfect people, and sometimes those people will let us down even though they are specifically told throughout Scripture not to do those things.

So a few things I want to keep in mind as we go down this journey of however many posts this will end up being.

1. I don’t pretend to say anything new. Nothing here will be revolutionary. It will all be from things I have read, heard, and learned firsthand. While nothing I write here will be new. It may be the first time you have read it, and it is my hope, it can be a help.

2. These posts aren’t about bashing The Church. I’m not into that. We have all had bad stories. We all even have stories that give us pretty justifiable reasons to join into a bashing session. But that’s not what I want because my observation is bashing is one of the defining lines between deep deconstruction and disentangling. The root of these discussions shouldn’t be fueled from a source of rage and bitterness, but from a desire to understand.

3. There’s a lot we’re gonna cover. Things like why is there church hurt? How do we forgive those who hurt us? When is it time to stay, and when is it time to leave? How do we justify our faith when we see our examples being unchristlike?

Going back to that encounter with my friend, I told him he was incorrect. There wasn’t anything special or unique about my ability to keep remaining engaged with a local church despite my past experiences. It was simply a conscious choice to disentangle the messy lives of people from my faith in Jesus. I don’t follow people. My faith isn’t rooted in people. It’s rooted in Christ. That isn’t an impossible choice to make. It just happens to be really hard.

You Will Be Warm Again

Over the Christmas season my church’s theme was “Jesus is the light of the World.” I’ve had some time to meditate on that idea these last few weeks, and what that means in my own life. 

Light is obviously a big need on a practical level. Light helps us see the path clearly. It keeps us from stumbling over obstacles. It lets us function in our tasks as we see clearly what we are doing. 

Light shines in the darkness and reveals things that may be hidden. Things that may need to be exposed. 

Light is also comforting. We equate safety and security with light. During our Christmas Eve candlelight service I was struck with the level of heat my tiny flame gave off on my face. It brought warmth to me. 

A favorite author of mine, Brandon Sanderson, has an excellent scene between to characters in one of his books. The hero Kaladin is facing immense trials both physically and mentally. He is literally surrounded in darkness and is given a very brief respite from this through his friend, Wit. In the midst of their exchange on philosophy and purpose they come to the end of their conversation. Kaladin realizes this means he will need to go back into the dark storm. They then have the following exchange. 

Kaladin said. “You told me it will get worse.” “It will,” Wit said, “but then it will get better. Then it will get worse again. Then better. This is life, and I will not lie by saying every day will be sunshine. But there will be sunshine again, and that is a very different thing to say. That is truth. I promise you, Kaladin: You will be warm again.”

Now this is obviously from characters who do not have a Christian worldview, but it still manages to speak deeply to me all the same. 

Jesus is our light, and that light is constant. However, there are times where it can feel as though the light is hidden. Moments or seasons where the darkness seems to be crowding in, and the cold cuts through you. And yet it for a season. It is not a stagnant thing, but a period of time that we go through as opposed to remain stuck in. When we recognize the darkness cannot hold out against the light we can come to a similar reminder. We will be warm again. 

Yet what does it mean to navigate through those seasons? Through those moments where the darkness seems so strong, and we have trouble remembering what the sun feels like against our skin?

There is an old MercyMe song from my high school days that popped into my head today. 

“Another rainy day

I can’t recall having sunshine on my face

All I feel is pain

All I want to do is walk out of this place

But when I am stuck and I can’t move

When I don’t know what I should do

When I wonder if I’ll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing

I gotta keep praising Your name

Your the one that’s keeping my heart beating

I gotta keep singing

I gotta keep praising Your name

That’s the only way that I’ll find healing”

Sometimes we need to sing in the darkness. We need to draw close to the light even when we can’t seem to see it, while all the time remembering the promise. We will be warm again. 

And here is the really cool thing. There will come a day where we will always be in the presence of that true light. “And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever.” Revelation 22:5

There will come a day where we will be with our creator. A day where the sun is not needed because He will provide us with the safety, comfort, and warmth that comes with His light. 

So we may have those patches now where the light seems hidden, but we do not need to despair. We can even be in peace as we hold firm on the promise that we will be warm again. 

And that, as Gandalf might say, is a comforting thought. 

A Story of a Boy Named Gideon

On Mother’s Day, May 8th, at 5:55 PM Gideon was born. They say that every pregnancy is different, and Gideon proved that was true, but before we jump into that, a little detail on the name. Gideon is a fairly famous individual from the book of Judges. Most can recall at least some parts of his story. There is a lot of sentimental value in his name for Emily. Emily’s grandfather was part of the Gideons, an organization that among other things is responsible for all of those New Testament Bibles you see in hotels. I never met Emily’s grandfather. He passed away before we met. However, I heard many of the stories and knew he was a man worth honoring. Gideon’s Middle name is Robert, the name of the same grandfather.

All of Emily’s pregnancies have gone past their due date. We’ve never had an “on time” birth. Gideon is the first to actually arrive on his expected due date. That was far from the only way this pregnancy was different though. Emily went into early stages of labor on Friday at four in the morning. She asked me to work from home that day since we thought the time could be close.

Early Friday evening her water broke and we thought, “This is it. We are having this baby quick.” We thought that way based on experience. Emily’s labor for Cai and Haddie went into overdrive shortly after her water broke. Friday night went and nothing happened. Perhaps Saturday would be the day then. The midwife would check in on Emily to see how everything was going, but ultimately things just kept moving slowly. By Sunday morning things had clearly started to shift. We thought we were close. We called the midwife and birthing team to come on out because this was it. After some time we realized we were still a ways off. The midwife gave Emily some different herbs to try and help encourage her body to kick things into high gear. It was important to get this labor moving because we were getting further away from when her water broke.

Eventually, it was time. We both clearly recognized that things were getting close. The birthing team returned, and we all agreed this was going to happen soon. I kept thinking we were going to meet our new kid any minute. After so much waiting this was finally happening. Emily will probably share more of the details she remembers at some point during the labor process, but the one thing I do remember is it seemed everything was harder this time. More painful, more work, more time. It was all just harder. It was as if all of the crazy hardship we went through as a world over the last two years was carrying over into this day. Life has been hard for all of us. Nothing has seemed to come easy even the mundane things we once knew how to do so naturally.

By the end, I was holding Emily so she could hold on to me as she quite literally willed our child to be born. Then suddenly he was there. Adrenaline is a funny thing. It can give us the ability to perform incredible feats of strength. It gives us the chance to act on pure instincts with neatly lightning reflexes. It also can put our brains into overdrive. What I’m about to explain next (And then I promise I will get into the Bible stuff I typically do in these posts) all happened in a very short time span.

First were the tears. I always cry at the birth of my kids. I’m a crier. I don’t deny it. Here was this beautiful little baby who had come into the world. Emily quickly reached out to hold him as we all were talking with glee in those first brief moments. “What is it,” they all asked. I looked and tearfully replied, “it’s a boy” still just fully caught up in the moment. “Hi Gideon,” I said. The very next moment as I looked back from the baby to our birthing team a few other thoughts instantaneously started running through my mind.

First, I hadn’t heard my son make any sounds outside of the briefest noise when he first came out. Second, his face was rapidly turning a color that I did not remember any of my other children having. Third, I wasn’t seeing my son move/respond to us the way our other kids did at this point.

Our midwife began explaining we had to get him stimulated. I remember trying to determine in that moment how normal this all was. How concerned should I be? It became clear that Gideon was having trouble breathing. For a moment we would see some slight movement or a flash opening of the eyes which would elate us only to then realize we were still needing to get our son to take a breath.

Before I move on, let me say right now that our birthing team was fantastic and we owe them a great debt of gratitude. Gideon simply came out with some extra gunk in his nose that had to be dealt with, and they realized and dealt with the problem quickly and amazingly well.

I want to tell you I didn’t panic for a moment, but the truth is, I was terrified. I was helpless in this situation as the midwife began acting quickly to help our son. It felt like an eternity. In truth, it was a very short timeframe, but enough was happening to know this was serious. I prayed. I prayed in my groaning knowing the words I was saying in my head, but unable to speak them out loud. Please protect him. Please keep him safe. Please don’t let us lose our son.

At that moment I felt a wave wash over me. Words clearly not from me saying “Peace. Be still. Don’t be afraid. He’s going to be ok.” And then, for the very first time. I heard my son cry.

When we meet Gideon in Scripture, we find a man who is terrified by what has happened in the world around him. He is called a mighty warrior, but he did not look it in the moment. Gideon gets a bad reputation sometimes. He is often seen as a coward, but the truth is, everyone was afraid. It was a scary time to be in Israel. Their enemies were harassing them. They were a broken people in need of rescue. When Gideon is graced by the presence of the angel of the lord, he is skeptical. Israel as a nation is skeptical. They cried out to God for rescue, and up to this point, the response was a prophet of the Lord telling them that they only have themselves to blame for the mess they are in. They goofed it up and now they are living with the consequence. Gideon argues with this angel from the beginning. “If God is with us, then why is everything such a mess?” Then he doubts God’s judgment to pick Gideon for a special task as a mighty warrior.

Eventually, Gideon realizes this angel is the real deal and his response is fear. He had enough understanding that no man is supposed to be able to see the Lord and live. We often focus so much on God’s amazing love that we can forget that our communion with him is only available to us out of His grace and mercy. Gideon understood that he was unworthy to be in the presence of this angel of the Lord. Then he hears words that will change everything. “Peace be to you. Do not fear; you shall not die.”

Gideon built an altar there and called it “The Lord is Peace.” It’s an interesting title. The Lord is peace. The circumstances surrounding Gideon had not changed. Israel was still oppressed. Gideon still didn’t know exactly how God was going to come through on his promise. And we know from this point that Gideon was still deeply afraid.

That’s the funny thing about peace. Peace is not the absence of fear. It is not the absence of hardship or difficult circumstances. Peace is something you receive, not something that’s taken away. It’s something that strengthens you through hardship. It helps you build trust in God while you are in the midst of the storm.

Here’s the thing, even now I still deal with the fear. Even thinking back to two nights ago as I write this I feel some of those fears all over again. I was terrified to go to sleep that night and only did because my body physically was incapable of not passing out after a while. This has actually been the hardest of the children’s birthing posts to write because in many ways it is at the core of what God has been working on in my heart for the last two years.

God speaks peace over us when everything around us tells us peace should be an illusion. But true peace is not found in the calmness of our surroundings. It is found in the deep relationship we have with our creator because of the incredible grace that He extends to us. My peace is in Him, and that peace extends out to my surroundings. It’s what allows me to live through the difficulties.

We’ve all had some hard years lately. Every other child we have had has come in the midst of some unique season of transition for us. Gideon is the first one that has arrived when we are well established where we are and love doing what we are doing. And yet, life for all of us lately has been hard. The world has been a little uglier. The rage has been louder. The divisions have been stronger. The evil has been more egregious. The world has just gotten harder. Yet I now am reminded of the words God spoke to me two nights ago and reminded me again in preparation for this post as I read Gideon’s story. Peace to you. Don’t be afraid. It’s going to be ok. I’m with you.

God has a way of meeting me where I am at and is always using my children to reinforce what He has been teaching me. The chaos will always be there in this world, but peace can be found as well.

Gideon, you’re entering into this world during uncertain times. Things are crazy out here, but the only thing that matters is the grace and mercy from God. People will tell you that God can’t be trusted because the world is such a mess but know that it is his strength that allows us to get through the ugliness we see in this world. You are named in remembrance of some amazing legacies, but I also know you can make a legacy of your own. I’ve struggled to know what to write in this post to measure up to the amazing work I know you will be capable of. (Maybe that’s why your dad is being to long-winded with this post.) So, I will end with a little prayer. I pray that as you walk through life, the Lord will be your constant. I pray that when He speaks peace over you that you will be able to hear it well and take hold of it. It’s ok to be afraid. Peace is not the absence of fear. Peace is the strength to follow and trust God through the fear. That’s what will make you a mighty warrior.

Reblogged: He Did Not Look Like a Savior

I originally posted this on April 3rd, 2015.

“But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.”
Isaiah 3:5

Hanging on a cross. A man who is exposed, bleeding, and dying. A man who is facing a death of humiliation. A death of a criminal. A sign hangs above him full of sarcasm, “Jesus, King of the Jews”. A man who was chosen to be crucified while allowing the freedom of a murderer. A man who had to do everything he could just to take in another breath. A man who is completely helpless. Here hangs the savior of the world.

He didn’t look like much of a savior. He certainly did not look like any messiah the world expected. He was not a military leader. He did not possess the strength of a Samson. He did not lead Israel to freedom like a Moses. He did not reign over Israel into an era of prosperity like a David. Jesus appears to be the least of the bunch. Let’s face it, this man hanging on a cross does not seem to look like a savior.

What is a savior? Is a savior one who comes in the form his subjects demand? Does he simply try and meet the needs of those who ask? Maybe a savior is meant to be something more. Perhaps this savior hanging on a cross is more than He appears to be. There is a story behind this man’s life that you may not have known if you were simply passing by. This man claimed to be the son of God. He didn’t look like any son of God we would have imagined.

The greatest hope of the world did not look like any sort of hope at all. A helpless man hanging on a cross. A man destined to die a painfully excruciating death. Abandoned by his disciples, denied by his closest friends, and alone on a cross. No, wait, not entirely alone. Two men are being crucified with him. Two common criminals hang on crosses next to this savior of the world.

One criminal can only see what hangs in front of him. Jesus did not look like any kind of savior to this man. He looked like a helpless criminal on a cross. This common man mocked and ridiculed this “Savior of the world”. This common criminal played a crucial point in the telling of the story. He was pointing out the clear truth of the situation. Jesus did not look like any kind of savior this world needed.

The second man saw something different. He was another criminal who had earned his punishment on a cross. He recognized something in Jesus. Perhaps he looked past the mere image he saw before him. Perhaps he simply realized some innate truth residing inside the core of his being. The truth set him free. “Today you will be with me in paradise.”

It is true Jesus did not have the strength of a Samson. During his few years on earth he did not lead Israel into freedom like a Moses. He did not reign on a throne in an era of prosperity like a David. The only thing he had in common with these other men was death. This common criminal noticed the true diversion of the similarities though. He grasped that even in the one common thread between Jesus and these great men there was a huge difference. Samson, Moses, and David all died as sinners. They were some of the greatest heroes of Israel, but they each had huge flaws. Jesus was facing death, but he was facing death as an innocent man. He was facing death as a sinless man.

Jesus did not look like a savior, but he was the very kind of savior the world needed. A savior does not simply give what others think they want. A savior meets the core need. Jesus was the savior the world needed, but never realized. That was what this common criminal saw. A common criminal who realized the need for a true savior. The kind of savior that was required to look nothing like Samson, Moses, or David. He realized he needed a savior of souls.

You need to understand the need for a savior in order to realize that Jesus was a savior. Without knowing the need you will never fully see Jesus as the perfect savior. He was the perfect savior because he was the perfect sacrifice. He paid our debt for our sin. He brought peace between God and humankind.

Thank God Jesus did not look like a savior.

A Story of a Girl Named Hadassah

On February 10 at 5:54 P.M. my wife gave birth to our daughter Hadassah. She is our very first daughter, and it is already a learning experience for me. Like Micaiah, we had a home birth for Hadassah. She was born under the same roof as Micaiah, and yet still managed to be different from him all the same.

Our previous child Micaiah seemed to arrive in what could only be described as a flash of lightning for us. Completely unexpected. He came out with a bang fully embracing the moment. Hadassah was quick once the time arrived, but the buildup was more recognizable and slow. Emily had been having contraction sine Friday night. By Saturday morning we knew that she was going to be here either that day or the next. The contractions were slow moving and sporadic, but it was clear that her time was coming. The whole thing was just telegraphed for us. We got the house ready because we knew that her arrival was imminent.

My wife was the one that found the name Hadassah. She loved the sound of it (as did I), and liked its connection in the Bible. Hadassah is the Hebrew name for Esther. The name itself means “myrtle tree” a tree whose flowers were often used for key ingredients in perfumes. It is more of the story of Hadassah that drew me to the name.

The Hadassah of the Bible is thrown into a giant story full of conspiracy and murder. She becomes the wife of a king. Her uncle Mordecai uncovers an awful conspiracy with plans to wipe out the Jews in the king’s country. This leads to Hadassah being confronted by Mordechai to utilize the position she has been placed in to bring about change and protection for her people.

Hadassah remains hesitant. Her husband has a bad temper streak and trying to speak out of turns leads people to death based on previous history. The result is a speech from Mordechai that contains what is arguably the most quoted phrase in the entire book of Esther. “Do not think to yourself that in the king’s palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. For if you keep silent at this time. Relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Hadassah is given a choice. She can either hide from what God is doing or embrace her role in it. There is only one clear option. Her embrace of God’s call to sue her leads to the safety of the Jews.

In preparation for Hadassah’s arrival I also finished my degree. I finished a multiyear long process in preparation for the next step of what God wants us to be doing. Some read the statement “for such a time as this” and think of there being one specific moment that God calls us into action. One specific event that he places us on this earth for. It is understandable why we might think that because that phrase was used to embolden Hadassah towards action in this one particular event, but we should not think of this as pertaining to one specific moment. It is a call to us in every moment of our lives. If we our sensitive to God’s leading, then wherever we are is where He has called us. Emily and I have been seeking God a great deal in where He is calling us next, but we also know that “for such a time as this” is not limited to one moment, but rather the present moment we are living. Preparing for that next phase can even be scary. The unknown can be terrifying, but Hadassah is a reminder to sue that the choice is an obvious one. Living in our role for God’s missions is the only option worth pursuing.

The choice is plain no matter what moment we are livening in. We are called to embrace our role in God’s missions. Hadassah is a reminder of that. A reminder that God is leading us into his next phase for our lives, but also a reminder that in every moment we play a role in His mission. 2017 was a particularly hard year for us surrounded with moments of anxiety and loss, but 2018? Well 2018 is proof the story isn’t over yet, and the time as always is now for whatever God is doing.

Our prayer for Hadassah is that she lives a life where she is not afraid to be heard when God calls her to speak (She already does a great job in making her voice heard). We pray that she will live each moment asking “why not? Why couldn’t God use me for a time like this?” It will be hard at times Haddie. The world will fill you with doubt. It will try and silence you when you are living for Him but remember that in each moment you have the choice to pursue His calling. May your life be a sweet fragrance pointing to His glory. May you live for such a time as this.

Thoughts from a Call Center

               I currently work at a call center while completing my Masters degree, and looking for a ministry position. It is a job with plenty of colorful stories to say the least. I am still considered a younger guy at this point who has not quite hit 30 yet. I would fall into the generation that older folks would say are full of entitlement, disrespectful, inarticulate, directionless, and all around the cause of everything that will destroy this part of the galaxy. It’s a heavy role to live up to.

               In my job I deal primarily with individuals who claim to be born again believers with a large section of that population being from generations older than mine. On average, I have found that the older generations in their conversation with me tend to fit most of the above description compared to the younger ones. I have had countless ministers speak far worse to me than any unbeliever has. I have had my fair share of cuss outs from believers. I have heard threats of harm towards staff from older generations, and countless claims of being treated unfairly when they failed to follow any of the rules provided by the organization. I have seen some of the uglier side of humanity from older believers in this job, and that is coming from someone who has seen some pretty ugly things in ministry.

               I say all of this to point out a couple of things that require a constant reminder for me. The first one is that our problems in this world are not because of generational, gender, or race issues. They are because of sin issues. I have been called a racist, a sexist, and entitled and disrespectful youngster all because of needing to tell people they broke the rules. None of these are remotely close to accurate in full context. Is their racism in the world? Absolutely. Are there men and women who are sexist? You can count on it. Are there disrespectful and entitled younger generations? Guaranteed. However, none of this is really the issue. Noe gender, race, or age group has a monopoly on sinful behavior.

               Pastors are struggling. I am pleading you to read this if you are not a pastor. A joke at my job is that the meanest customers we have are pastors, and that is not too far from the truth. Many are cynical and angry. What most of my co-workers don’t understand first hand is that pastors see humanity at its ugliest. They face off in a war where believers who are meant to be the most caring in the world are the ones who tend to cause them the most harm. They are more susceptible to bitterness. It is not an excuse, but it is a harsh reality. Your pastor desperately needs your prayer. I don’t care if he is the jolliest person you know. He needs it.

               It’s really hard to love broken people. I make my living be yelled at by strangers a good portion of the time. They don’t know me. I don’t know them, but for that brief moment there are some who will choose to use this random stranger as the source of all their pain and grief in order to unleash their wrath upon it. Those are hard people to love.

               It is hard to not become like that person. I’ve been doing this for four years now. It is hard not to become a really bitter and angry person sometimes. While the angry people are not constant, there are some weeks where you will just have a string of bad calls. Those are the weeks where you are the most susceptible to break down by giving in and become a very angry person who just yells at others whether it may be a friend, child, or maybe a random stranger who is dealing with you in the customer service line. The other scenario is to just break down and to avoid being that bitter and angry person because at least you know you still have a healthier range of emotions at that point.

               It’s important not to place your value on how strangers treat you. There may be times where you are placed in a circumstance where you are inadequately prepared to deal with a situation through no fault of your own, and unfortunately you are the one there to take the heat when it all falls to pieces. It does not mean you have no value or skills to offer. It may mean there is a need for a readjustment to transition into a place that values you and where you can utilize your skills. It may mean needing to hang in for a while longer while waiting for that opportunity to arrive, but through that waiting it is vital to remember that no stranger can ever place your value on you. Your value is found in Christ, and on what he made you to be.

               I’ve been sitting hear typing this wondering exactly where I am going to go with it. This is after writing multiple posts on other topics that just didn’t feel like the right fit to post when trying to jump back in my blog. This one is different because it turned into being a bit more raw and personal, and that seems to be the phase I am in right now. I guess I have written all this to really end on this simple note. Whether you are the one answering the phone, or making the, call I beg of you to remember the words of Philo of Alexandria, “Be kind. Everyone is fighting a great battle.”

Sweating Blood

Being in Holy Week has made me think more on Jesus moments in the garden during prayer. I could not even begin to work through the theological debates surrounding Jesus prayer in the garden, and that is not my goal in this post. In these moments we see a beautiful moment in Jesus where he is legitimately facing the weight of the burden he is beginning to carry.

The pressure is enormous. This is a powerful moment. This has been the moment on my mind this past week. It has not stuck out to me for its theological conundrums of Jesus asking for the cup to pass him. It is not even primarily from the fact that he willingly chooses to follow God’s will. It is the humanity to it all the has captivated me.

In this moment I am struck with the reality of it being ok to recognize that hardship exists. Scripture says Jesus was sweating great drops of blood. This is what the world would call weakness. Some would even say fearful. Can Jesus even be afraid? Is that really a thing? Those questions have been running through my head. What really is fear though? We treat it in a negative context because it is often something that controls our actions and behavior. This is an obvious problem, but should that deny us the right to acknowledge when things are difficult?

I have felt surrounded at times over the past few weeks to be encouraged to ignore how difficult things are. Don’t pay attention to the burning building because God is watching out for you. Here is the thing, it is true God is watching out for me. I have no reason to believe He will abandon me. However, it doesn’t change that I might be in a point in life where things are just difficult, maybe even unfair.

Jesus in the garden reminds us that it is ok to recognize when hardship is entering your life. Jesus felt the pain of what he was going to experience. He knew it would be unimaginable to anyone else. Yet he persevered. Anyone can walk into a burning building that they are forced to believe is not coming down. It is the one who runs into the inferno as the roof is collapsing that is showing true grit. Maybe you are reading this through a time of difficulty. Perhaps the world is telling you to pull yourself up by the bootstraps, and move along. Maybe the ones saying that are even the people causing you difficulty. I would suggest a different piece of advice. Go into the garden and be transparent. Sweat drops of blood. Call out this period of life for what it is. Name it as a hardship. Once you do that you can look up and give it over to God. I think that is what Jesus has been teaching me through this moment in His life throughout this week. I can only give something up to God when I willingly acknowledge how painful it really is.