Lies About Sex and Porn: Hidden Secrets Cannot Hurt You

It’s been a long time since I have done one of these posts. Recent events with Josh Duggar have brought some of these issue into my mind again. It has been intriguing to me to see the responses from the masses over it all. Most responses have been a little frightening to me. There seems to be this general idea of joy around it. For those who don’t know, a website that helps people have an affair was hacked releasing thousands of its member. Josh Duggar was one of them.

Many people, Christian and not, have expressed their joy over Josh being caught in the act. Most talk about how they never trusted the family. There seems to be this general trend going on that this whole event is a good thing. It validates the jokes. It validates the opinions. It allows us to bring a family that is projected as godly and perfect down a peg. It brings them down to our level.

This was not my first reaction. My first reaction was going back to an old college memory. I was asked to write down a list of everything I had to lose if my integrity was compromised. It was…revealing. It was also rather terrifying. I found myself realizing that, if I were to live a life void of integrity, then the life I was building up would be ruined.

But that’s if we would ever be caught. Culture is pretty accepting of sex. The porn industry is booming, and rapidly becoming less of a taboo. It’s not so scandalous anymore even though the tabloids produce it that way. The truth is that it is fairly normal, but inside the church the taboo is still strong. The recognition of the damage of porn, and of an unbiblical sex life is talked about regularly. The only other real difference, though, is in that people tend to hide those sins.

We hide sin in general, really. This is a porn and sex post, but the truth is that this lesson applies to any act of sin. We think we can hide it. That question of integrity posed to me back in college gave me a different perspective. It pushed me to consider the possibility, “What if I was caught?” This in turn forces anyone to the inevitable realization that, “I can be caught.” My lacks of integrity were not even sexually related, but the problems were still very real. It could be caught in any sin. A sin of lust, lies, hatred, etc. Take your pick. Integrity, or lack of it, has a habit of breaking out, and it takes no prisoners.

Now let me be clear, there is no account on any affair site with my name on it. However, I find myself thinking what I would be experiencing if I was Josh in this moment. How would my family be affected if they were his family? We so often try and hide whatever flaws are a part of us because we think we can control every aspect to it. People like Josh learn that outside forces so often come crashing in to change that perception.

What do you have to lose? Is it a job, friendship, or marriage? We even foolishly think that for as long as we hide our sin that it won’t affect anything, but the simple truth is the very burden of those secrets changes and affects the core of our being.

What is the solution then? It comes in two parts really. The first is to own up to integrity. Stop what you have been doing, and bring to light what may need to be brought to light. Empty out the baggage. The second part is to stop accumulating it! You can’t hide what isn’t there.

We foolishly hide, and develop all of the baggage. We are affected in secret, and then outside circumstances at any moment could still tear the curtains to shed light where we would not wish for it to be. I want to be careful on this next point. I’m not saying that people like Josh should not be called out for what they have done. What I am saying is if those moments do not also force personal reflection of where our integrity could be lacking then we may find ourselves on the next news story.

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Lies About Sex and Porn: It’s Freedom

I have been thinking about this post for a while, but had trouble finding the right words to say what has been on my mind. It has been a process to write. It started out of a hunch and curiosity for where our world is. It’s a trend really, and it does not take long to find when you look at the headlines. “So and so has leaked sex tape. Turns misfortune into major profit.” Sex and porn. It’s just kind of everywhere isn’t it?

A look at Wikipedia will show you names of the most “famous” individuals who have had sex tapes out. This is a list of forty names. Wikipedia itself suggests the list of names is not exhaustive, and of that list of forty names there are many many videos to be applied to them. Sex sells, and leads to quick fame apparently.

Look at the list and you will find there are very few names you would actually recognize. Maybe a reality star or two, or a one hit wonder of some type. It is a common theme. It is a list filled with people who want their name known. They want to be recognized, and they have figured out how to do it in one of the quickest ways possible.

It’s gotten worse. The porn industry has crept into casual interaction with most of the world these days. There were two disturbing headlines within this past month that genuinely shocked me. One was a woman in the porn industry who was holding a Lego contest. She claimed that the person who could make her the coolest Lego creation to put in her house would win the prize of experiencing her personal services.

Another story form this month was about a woman in the porn industry who is about to turn 23, and to celebrate she was inviting 23 men to join her in a brand new video. Sex with 23 men. First come first serve.

The porn industry is reaching out to the average person. It has figured out the game. It knows it has its audience on the hook. It’s beyond viewing for satisfaction and has moved into participation. I look at all this, and begin to wonder how it ever really surprised me. This is the natural progression to it all because this is something that such a large part of our society worships.

They wouldn’t want you to see it that way of course. It is displayed as something that is natural. Do what feel right. Do what makes you happy. If it satisfies then it is acceptable. After all, it is the words oldest profession they say. A “profession” that is becoming a source of destruction to men and women. While the exact statistics are debated it is widely agreed that the Super Bowl is one of the biggest events for the sex trafficking industry. Women who have been forced into a life of prostitution.

Where am I going with this? What does sex trafficking have to do with the porn industry? What does it have to do with those celebrity sex tapes? What does it have to do with those headlines? Everything, it has to do with everything. We think that these celebrities and people who work I the porn industry are doing this out of complete freedom. Sex trafficking is heartbreaking because of its slavery nature, but those in the porn industry are just disgusting in our eyes. It is acceptable to view them as something less than human. Those who do not participate in the viewership of the content often treat those men and women in it the same way as the actual viewers do. We do this because we mistakenly believe they are doing this in freedom.

It’s not freedom. They are enslaved. They are enslaved to sin. They are so wrapped up in the lies of this world that they are stuck in their own sin. I’m not negating the element of free will. I understand that it is still a choice. Not every unbeliever does porn, but they are still a prisoner. That is part of what makes the indulgence of porn such an ugly affair. It is not just sinning. A life of porn addiction is a life of glorifying and worshipping someone else’s sin.

What does this mean? This is the first post on this topic where I am not just talking to those who are caught up in this struggle. This is a message for everyone. If you are caught up in this struggle then you need to understand it is not just about you. It is not just about your sin. You are indulging in the destructive sin of others. I’m not saying that this truth alone will get you to stop viewing it, but it is time for a perspective change.

It is also time for a perspective change for the average believer who is not caught up in this mess. We need to stop viewing those in the porn industry as a lost cause. We need to stop viewing them as the dirt unworthy of our attention, and start looking at them as sinner in needs of a savior. We pray a good deal for women enslaved in prostitution, and I think that is a wonderful thing. It is so incredible to see that issue receiving greater attention, but when will we start praying for those enslaved in the porn industry? Enslaved to their own sin.

I have to be honest. I haven’t been praying for them. I may have stopped myself from being a viewer, but my heart attitude has not changed in the right direction. The same view has been there, but with a different motivation. We are so afraid of getting wrapped up in the ugliness of porn and sex that we distance those who seem to willingly embrace it. We distance ourselves from them in every aspect of our lives including prayer. I’m glad I’m no longer someone who worships and glorifies the sin of others, but I want to be even something more now. I want to be an opportunity for hope. I want to be a guide towards real freedom.

Lies About Sex and Porn: I Can’t Be Fixed

My wife and I were watching 20/20 last night. One of the things discussed was how a senior in High School stood up against a speaker at their school who was famous for lecturing about abstinence. The speakers heart may have been in the right place, but her methods were pretty awful. Listening to excerpts of her speech put into context a little more for me as to why so many people have the “It’s to late” attitude with sex. “I’ve already had sex so it is to late for me. I’ve ruined my future sex life forever so why I bother?” This attitude has been begun to creep into people struggling with porn.

This attitude has developed because the church has gotten to good at explaining how we lose some when we have sex outside of marriage. It has gotten to good at telling young men that there is innocence and purity lost when they fill their heads with images of naked women. It has gotten to good and telling people about the legitimately devastating issues of premarital sex and pornography. There is a problem though. We have made completely absent the hope of restoration for those caught in these lifestyles.

Maybe it is out of fear of not being like that group of people who are all about love and acceptance in the church without ever calling something sin. That is a legitimate problem in the body today. It is true that there are people who have focused so much on acceptance that the full truth of the Gospel gets ignored. However, those on the other side have had their message ignored. They make people who have had sex and trapped in a life of porn feel worthless because they frankly tell them they are worthless. They tell them they are worthless by ignoring the element of restoration.

This is why I love the story of the adulterous woman. The accepting sect of Christianity has hijacked this story a bit. They have used it as a beacon of fighting judgment and confrontation. We can never judge someone for their sin. We shouldn’t even call it sin. We just need to love people. We just need them to feel cared about, and then they will be saved. Unfortunately this hijacking has led to the other side all but ignoring the beauty and profound truths in this story.

Many of you have heard the story before. A woman is caught in adultery and is about to be stoned. Jesus enters the scene, and proceeds to tell the crowd that if any one of them is without sin then they can be the one to start the sentencing of death by throwing the first stone. They all leave except for Christ. We then glimpse into this beautiful picture of a broken woman who realizes her shame and sin in front of Jesus. She felt worthless in that moment. We all feel worthless in that moment. That moment where it is painfully clear to us that we have done wrong. In that moment we run the risk of believing a lie that restoration is impossible. We are forever doomed to wander our remaining years n this earth as a broken vessel that is incapable of being used for anything of true worth. We run the risk of giving up in that moment.

I wonder what this woman expected then. Did she assume Jesus would throw a stone at her? Did she dare hope for mercy? Christ tells us this profound statement. “Go and sin no more.” Both sides of the issue have some painful lessons to learn from this one statement.

What Jesus said was offensive He called her actions sinful. He declared a clear standard of morality that everyone is supposed to follow. In telling her to stop sinning he was telling her that she had failed to meet the standard expected of her. He was merciful, but his words today would be considered a huge insult. He wasn’t ignoring her sin. If he had ignored her sin then she would have never been able to receive restoration. You need to be acknowledged as broken before you can get fixed.

Jesus didn’t end with calling out her sin. He gave her an opportunity for restoration. He gave her another chance. He gave her an opportunity to turn form the life she was living in order to achieve something better. He did not give her mercy just so that she could go about living her life the same way. He gave her another chance in order that she could be restored.

Maybe you are reading this today and struggling with the sins of your past. Maybe you slept with someone you really felt you loved, but have been feeling the overwhelming guilt of the church saying sex is for marriage. You understood a little to late how sex was meant for marriage. How Scripture itself speaks as though sex and marriage are the same. Read these words today. od can still use you. You can still go on to have a healthy marriage if you treat these scars and baggage of past relationships. You can still live a lot of life to the fullest.

Maybe you feel you have ruined any chance of a healthy relationship because of your addiction to pornography. Your innocence feels lost, and you see no way to get it back. You too will have scars and baggage to bring into your future marriage, but restoration can still be found. Restoration is for all who bring their very lives to the cross and lay them down. God can give you purpose, new life, and a marriage full of love and purpose.

We all have baggage going into a marriage even if we have never had sex or looked at porn. God restores all of us. He gives us a second chance to turn away from our sin and do something better. To my readers struggling with guilt over sin, remember you are still loved. Remember that Christ has to show you your brokenness so that He can restore you. To the church. I beg you to tell the whole story. Don’t sacrifice a lost generation riddled with guilt and shame just so you can beat into the heads of others the dangers of sex and porn. We aren’t just here to warn people about sin we are a lighthouse that is meant to lead all those who are hurting to the one who can restore them.

Lies About Sex and Porn: It’s “Their” Fault

It was my freshman year in college where we discussed “complicated” topics in my GNED course. That day we were discussing the issue of modesty. What level of responsible are women supposed to have in how they dress? Boys and girls gave their answers as best as they could. It quickly devolved into the blame game. The guys had trouble articulating their thoughts because they were embarrassing, and feared being called cowards who were just making excuses.

“It doesn’t matter what I wear”, said one girl. “Even in my frumpiest clothes and giant sweatshirts there are guys who still treat me like an object. Why should I when they won’t bother to have any self control?” An excellent question. It is one girls everywhere are asking. Why should the be so responsible over men’s thoughts. Why must they be the ones making all the sacrifice and work?

Men grow helpless when they can’t catch a break. Going to the beach or pool becomes a chore rather than enjoyable. doing research on the internet ends up requiring an amount of brainpower dedicated towards focusing on the harmless task rather than doing any snooping. Why else would girls dress so provocatively if not to get our minds heading in a bad direction? Why can’t they understand this struggle we fight within ourselves?

Two sides who are playing the blame game. Which side is really at fault? Are women really supposed to be more responsible in what they wear? Do they really bare some responsibility in helping men? Do men really need to get their thoughts back in line. Do they need to learn how to be better disciplined in remaining dependent on the Lord and his strength when faced against temptation? The answer to all is yes.

Let me state right now that a victim of sexual abuse is never asking for it. It does not matter how they are dressed, what they have done, what they have said, etc. Sexual abuse is sin and the guilty party is the attacker. You will never see me defend the actions of an attacker like that. I just wanted to make sure I had that clear and out in the open.

There was an interesting study done at Princeton a few years ago. Men were presented in rapid speed with pictures of women. Some were fully dressed while others were wearing bikinis. Any men reading this already know where this study is heading. The pictures of women in bikinis gave an interesting result in the brain scans. The section of men’s brains that is used when thinking and working with tools and such went nuts. It lit all up. any men experienced a deadened state in the brain that is used for emotional connection. The part that comes to life when you are thinking abut someone on an intellectual level.

What did this mean? Men were viewing bikini wearing women as objects. A simple tool to be used to however they best met their needs. Here is the thing, women will read this and probably have an immediate first reaction that is the wrong one. You will say that all this means is that all men are pigs. I can see the reasoning behind it. I can even understand it to an extent. That is such a mistake though. To my Christian female readers out there I beg you to take this study and use its information wisely. Men are hardwired in a bizarre way. We are needing to fight against are basic blueprint in order to keep our thoughts under control. It sucks. The world bombards us with images that play to this natural brain chemistry because they know we are susceptible to it. We fight this battle everyday. What we really desire is a place where we can gain some relief. What happens when a well meaning man cannot get this relief at church, youth group events, friendly parties meant for laughter enjoyment? We feel suffocated ladies. We feel like we are slowly being choked out of existence. It’s painfully difficult for us.

Men, this is not a free pass. Even when our Christian sisters pull this off brilliantly we are still facing off against the rest of the world, and the world is a very big place. What does this research tell us? It tells us we are naturally bent towards visual experiences. This can be an amazing thing when accommodated with God’s design, but can easily be abused just like many other things that were meant to be good. I like that I am physically attracted to my wife. That is natural. It is a good thing. However, it can get screwed up. This all tells us that we need to better depend on a higher power. We need to lean on God for strength and courage. We need to cultivate a community where we can be open about these struggles in order to produce healthy accountability. We need to get to work. We need to be thankful to those women we know who strive to keep from adding to the problem. We need to thank God for them We need to be grateful to them for their dedication and sacrifices in order to help make our lives a little easier.

Both of us need to stop playing the blaming game. Both sides need to stop telling the other side what they need to do to fix the problem, and start asking themselves as an individual what difference they can make. The individual need to take responsibility for the individual. To the ladies, I thank you for all you already do. I apologize for those men who lack all self control and live by self-rule rather than dependent disciple so that they may ogle you no mater how hard you try to present yourselves properly. To my fellow men, press on. The world will never fully understand the harm it is causing us. We can’t rely on the world to make this trial easier for us. It is not the worlds job to fix it. Press on, remain dependent, strive to live peaceably with all.

Lies About Sex and Porn: Marriage Will Fix It

Ever had those moments in life where you say, “If I can just get to this point then my life will be easier.” If I just got this much of a raise then I would be comfortable. If I just had this nifty item then my life would get so much easier. We often look for a worldly solution to fix a spiritual issue. It is saddening to see this take place. The truth is we all do this in some way. I see an alarming consistency of young people who take this application to issues of lust and porn. They look at marriage as the solution.

Let’s be blunt and discuss how the line of thinking works. A young man struggles with having lustful thoughts. He finds himself unable to resist the temptation of pornography. He is also in a serious relationship with a young woman. If he can just get to marriage then all of his problems will be solved. He can use all of his built up sexual tension and just have sex with his new wife whenever he wants. This will negate the desire to ever look at porn. Even the temptation itself will be vanquished.

Now let us look at the realities we find in our world today. Countless Christian husbands addicted to pornography. Numerous Christian marriages struggling due to an affair. If marriage really solves the problem of lust and porn then why are there so many broken marriages? If Marriage removes any of those urges then why are their married men still giving into them?

our wife is not your Jesus. She cannot make you a new creation upon marriage. She cannot take away your evil desires. Sex with her cannot bring purity to your heart and mind. When we enter marriage with that mindset we are setting ourselves up for failure, disappointment, and heartache. It is a recipe for disaster. It is completely unfair to the spouse. It is full of sorrow.

There are a plethora of reasons for why this concept simply doesn’t work. For one, marriage is not a porn video. It is much more than that. It is far better than that. It is also far more surprising and requires far more effort and time. It is an emotional bond. You are not having sex t any given moment in marriage. You are giving everything of yourself in marriage. There will be times where there will be tension in your marriage. There will be fights. There will be hurts. What will you do in those moments when marriage is not the life of porn you expected? Wouldn’t you just be tempted to go back to what is familiar? Wouldn’t you be tempted to go back to the fake product that you have tricked yourself into believing satisfies you?

We set marriage on this incredibly high pedestal because we set sex on such a high pedestal. Such a huge pressure is placed on marriage. A burden has been set on it that it was never designed to carry. It is such a lie, and sadly there are huge chunks of the church that even endorse it. You better not think anything about sex, but once you are married go to town.

Here is the truth. Marriage can’t fix your lust and porn problems. It can’t fix your promiscuity problems. There is no magic in that ring you put on that keeps you from being unfaithful. The ring is just a symbol of your word. It only has as much power as your word does. The truth is that marriage is nothing like a porn video, and thank the Lord it is not.

There is much more truth as well. There is some happy truth to all of this. Marriage cannot fix your lust and porn issue, but it is immensely rewarding and glorious when you enter it after already dealing with those issues. Marriage done right helps you see even clearer how foolish all those issues of lust and porn were. It helps you see even better just how empty those sins are. A marriage done right helps you actually experience the fake from the real. Let us not play this silly game of marriage fixes everything though. It simply does not work.

I think there are a bunch of reasons for why the divorce rate is high, why so many Christian husbands are enraptured in porn, and why so many marriages seem to tread the valley of adultery. I’m not saying this lie is the main cause, but form what I have seen it is an incredibly dangerous factor.

Marriage was never designed to purify your sinful nature. it was never designed to be the vessel of your sanctification. That is Christ’s job. That is what a death on a cross was for. That is what a relationship in Christ brings. I beg you, for the sake of Christian marriages and for the hope of the family unit centered in Christ, do not buy into this lie. Your future marriage depends on it.

Lies About Sex and Porn: The Problem

The church has been behind on this whole sex and porn issue. Some ignore it while others give it more attention than it deserves. All of sides tend to make some common mistakes though. One of the biggest mistakes is how most often improperly define the problem. Sex is the problem. Porn is the problem. Lust is the problem. Provocative dress attire is the problem. Aren’t these all really just symptoms though?

Sex can’t be the problem, because God made sex. Sex in the context of marriage rocks. It’s beastly amazing. I can see why some would say porn is the problem, but what drives someone to view pornography? What do they feel they are not receiving in the world that makes them feel the need to see images that don’t belong in their head? Lust isn’t quite the problem either. No doubt it is a problem, but we have placed such a huge fear on lust that we have inadvertently put a fear on sex itself. That can’t be good. Provocative behavior can’t be the problem either. Why does a girl dress the way she does? Women aren’t really the enemy. Some people out there need to grasp the fact that women are not the problem. Women are not responsible for the thoughts of men. Is it nice when they dress modestly to help us out? Obviously, but the way a girl dresses cannot be an excuse for our minds to wander off where they do not belong.

We act as though sex is one of the key problems in our world today. We almost act as though anything sexual is the root of all sin. Our obsession over it either by condemning it , or making discussion on it taboo escalates it to a huge status. Ironically I think this is exactly what the enemy wants. An illness is at its most dangerous when it is misdiagnosed. We treat the topic of sexual immorality as a cause when it is really a symptom.

Why is this such a problem? Our treatment for it is ineffective. Have a problem with porn? Don’t own a computer or at least have unbeatable software. Sure that can be a benefit to get out of the situation, but we never teach people to move beyond the simple issue of access and deal with the heart issue. A removal of access to porn will not fix the real problem. We have gotten really good at coming up with useful tips and habits to keep us out of trouble, but we have failed to help people meet the fight head-on. We have failed to help people be equipped for the battle of the mind.

Much of this steams form the idea of fleeing sexual immorality. Paul tells us that is how we are supposed to deal with sexual sin so that is what we must always do. Have a problem with sexual immorality? Just run away from the temptation. Just ignore it. Don’t deal with it just get away from it until it comes around next time so you can just get away form it again. How do you flee sexual immorality in the mind?

The problem with sexual immorality is it points out an emptiness in us. We try and fill it up with sin. We use porn to fill up feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. We let our mind wander because frankly we just have an idle mind to often. We fall into sex outside of marriage because we want to feel loved and valued. We want to feel that intimacy and closeness with someone. The problem with sex and porn is emptiness. The problem with much of the church helping is they have failed to see the emptiness and the need for it to be filled.

When Christ was tempted with a physical desire by Satan he spoke on having reliance and dependence on God. We need fulfillment from God to beat these symptoms. It is not enough to just remove the opportunities to fall into the sin. All that does is still leave us empty. What we need is fulfillment. Christ can be that fulfillment.